As today is the last day of February, everyone is coming to the realization that Bodenseehof is coming to an end and the fact that we have just under five weeks left in this beautiful part of the world that I have been blessed enough to call home for a couple months now. And my shift has switched from homework and routine to friendships and coffee. It's all about people and enjoying the last moments of my bible school year.
I know I'm talking like it's over, but it isn't over yet! And I just had a wonderful week here with my brother, Dave. He was here for nine days to come visit his little sister! We had lots of coffee & cake, good conversation, and even got a day trip to Munich! It was great and I thoroughly enjoyed the time with Dave.
This week we have Hans Peter Royer here talking about having truth turn into experience. He seems like a phenomenal speaker, and I know I will be learning a lot this week from him. And the bible reading and book reading continues. Next book, and last book, to read is 'The Saving Life of Christ' by the founder of Torchbearer, Major Ian Thomas. And then a couple more speakers, assignments, good conversations, day trips, coffee trips, and experiences with God, then it will be done. And then a couple weeks of traveling and before every knows it I will be home!
And my flight is officially booked for April 26. Know that I am enjoying this time, that I miss everyone back home, but I will be home soon enough.
Love all of you,
Jessica
Monday, February 28, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
What's Been On My Heart...
So, instead of an update, I've decided to share what God has been teaching me since being a Bodenseehof.
When I first got to Bodenseehof I learned over the first semester how to give my fears of never getting married up to God. I come with this deep rooted insecurity that I would never get married and it terrified me, and for the longest time I would pray to God that He would fulfill the desires of my heart. But over the first month or two here I realized that my prayer was commanding God to do something for me. That isn't how prayer or God works. So I came to terms that I might or might not get married one day, but that I needed to trust God completely and know that He knows best for me. So I finally gave my fear of never getting married to Him and committed to following God no matter what His plan for me was.
Then right before I left for Christmas break God revealed to me how I always put men on pedestals that only God can fulfill. So when I like a guy I put him on this pedestal that only God should be on, and then when man sins, which every man does, then man falls off the pedestal that I placed him on and I feel empty. It was a tough realization to come to, and I realized how insignificant I made God in my life. He has no place in my relationships with anyone, and how He needed to be the centre of all relationships. It's tough with non-christian friends, but I need to put God on the pedestal that only He can fulfill, then I will feel satisfied. In the Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer, Tozer talks about the shrine that god created in all out hearts for Him and Him alone. I have been replacing God with man in the shrine of my heart. I need to put God back into the shrine that He belong. This is a beautiful visual to me, and I continually pray that God helps me do this.
When I got back from Christmas break, God just kept showing me how I wasn't giving control up to Him, but how I was trying to control relationships myself. The first three weeks were an emotional roller coaster of learning how to be dependent on God and not man. I knew I had to learn to gain confidence from my Father in heaven, and not man. Then God just revealed to me my deepest insecurities which were that I was unlovable, unwanted, and not worthy of marriage. But I learned that Jesus was the perfect balance of truth and grace. He reveals truths to us and then showers us with grace, so after this tough truth I knew I just had to wait for mercy, and it came.
Two days later while I saw singing worship I was singing a song and the chorus was so simply and all it said was 'How he loves us all.' He loves us ALL! I am God's beloved. I am His daughter and He loves me, wants me, and sees me has blameless in His eyes. How could I ever believe I am unloved or unwanted, God loves me and wants me so badly and so passionately. He is enough, and He is all I need.
Then a friend was talking to me here and she was just bringing herself down. Poison. Something the speaker said, Eis van Dijk, two weeks ago was that we become what we say. And if women keep feeding poison to themselves like "I'm fat, ugly, unlovable, unwanted etc." that is exactly what we will become. I would know, I've been bringing myself down for seven years; which is were my insecurities have stemmed from. Jesus is enough, and if the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, the Holy One loves us and cares and thinks we are beautiful, how dare we think or believe or say anything different. We need to stop feeding ourselves lies and start telling ourselves the truth, which is Jesus Christ loves me and wants me. He pursues me and finds me blameless in His eyes. He is so passionate about being in a personal and intimate relationship with me that He sent his ONE and ONLY son to DIE FOR ME! I know I hear about this all the time, but take time to truly think and absorb that statement. That when we were yet sinners, Christ died for me. That's how much He LOVES ME! And when we feed poisonous lies to ourselves, we are bringing down the significance of Christ's death and what He has done for us, His daughters.
And, well especially at bible school, girls always talk about how we can become more like the Proverbs 31 woman, and what we want in a husband. Jesus is the answer, the more in tune and dependent on God we become, the more we will become like the Proverbs 31 woman. We can do nothing on our own strength, only through the strength of Jesus Christ. We can try changing on our own, but we will fail. And the more in tune we become with God, the better we will know what we want in a future husband. Not that it is bad to talk about these things, but know that Jesus is the only thing, the only One who matters. And we should never think that we are not good enough for man, if we are good enough for God. We need to gain our confidence from God and not man.
Now, I'm not writing here talking, to whoever is reading this, trying to sound like a saint or anything, I need to hear this too. This is a daily struggle for me. I have so much trouble telling myself that I am beautiful, or that I am loved, or the big one: that I am marriageable. I don't feel like it, but I know that God is the only thing that matters, and that if I just focus on God then He will reveal to me when, if I am ever, ready to get married. He will show me what career to take, what to do after school. And I know that if I live the life He has planned for me, that it will be the most satisfying and fulfilling life I will ever live, whether I get married or not. :) God is enough. Not that knowing this makes it easy, but God understands my pains and my fears. He is the Comforter. He knows and understands all, and I continually pray that this message will go from my mind to my heart.
And another thing that really helped hit me, again, during another Wednesday Worship. We were singing a chorus of a song, and all I remember was it said something about wedding bells. If I, or whoever is reading this and is single, never gets married, we will hear our wedding bells on the day that we enter heaven. I might never hear wedding bells on this earth, but the day I enter heaven my wedding bells will ring for me. And it will be the most beautiful, holiest, purest, perfect wedding to the Bridegroom. And it will be everything I have ever dreamed of, plus so much more. And knowing that I will have wedding bells ring for me one day brings such comfort to me; I will get married one day. That is a guarantee.
Well, I am very passionate about this and it is something that God has laid on my heart. I think it is so important for women to get their confidence from God and to just be completely dependent on their Father. Not that it is easy, this is a life long lesson. But I have taken the first steps, and I am excited to see what God is going to do with my life. Whether it means working in the freezing coldness of Edmonton for the rest of my life, or going to live in the rain forests of Brazil, God is enough.
I pray that if you are struggling with these issues, like me, that this has been an encouragement. Please continually pray for me and my struggle with being fully dependent on God. If you are struggling with something similar, I would love to hear!
Love you all, and so does God!
Jessica
When I first got to Bodenseehof I learned over the first semester how to give my fears of never getting married up to God. I come with this deep rooted insecurity that I would never get married and it terrified me, and for the longest time I would pray to God that He would fulfill the desires of my heart. But over the first month or two here I realized that my prayer was commanding God to do something for me. That isn't how prayer or God works. So I came to terms that I might or might not get married one day, but that I needed to trust God completely and know that He knows best for me. So I finally gave my fear of never getting married to Him and committed to following God no matter what His plan for me was.
Then right before I left for Christmas break God revealed to me how I always put men on pedestals that only God can fulfill. So when I like a guy I put him on this pedestal that only God should be on, and then when man sins, which every man does, then man falls off the pedestal that I placed him on and I feel empty. It was a tough realization to come to, and I realized how insignificant I made God in my life. He has no place in my relationships with anyone, and how He needed to be the centre of all relationships. It's tough with non-christian friends, but I need to put God on the pedestal that only He can fulfill, then I will feel satisfied. In the Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer, Tozer talks about the shrine that god created in all out hearts for Him and Him alone. I have been replacing God with man in the shrine of my heart. I need to put God back into the shrine that He belong. This is a beautiful visual to me, and I continually pray that God helps me do this.
When I got back from Christmas break, God just kept showing me how I wasn't giving control up to Him, but how I was trying to control relationships myself. The first three weeks were an emotional roller coaster of learning how to be dependent on God and not man. I knew I had to learn to gain confidence from my Father in heaven, and not man. Then God just revealed to me my deepest insecurities which were that I was unlovable, unwanted, and not worthy of marriage. But I learned that Jesus was the perfect balance of truth and grace. He reveals truths to us and then showers us with grace, so after this tough truth I knew I just had to wait for mercy, and it came.
Two days later while I saw singing worship I was singing a song and the chorus was so simply and all it said was 'How he loves us all.' He loves us ALL! I am God's beloved. I am His daughter and He loves me, wants me, and sees me has blameless in His eyes. How could I ever believe I am unloved or unwanted, God loves me and wants me so badly and so passionately. He is enough, and He is all I need.
Then a friend was talking to me here and she was just bringing herself down. Poison. Something the speaker said, Eis van Dijk, two weeks ago was that we become what we say. And if women keep feeding poison to themselves like "I'm fat, ugly, unlovable, unwanted etc." that is exactly what we will become. I would know, I've been bringing myself down for seven years; which is were my insecurities have stemmed from. Jesus is enough, and if the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, the Holy One loves us and cares and thinks we are beautiful, how dare we think or believe or say anything different. We need to stop feeding ourselves lies and start telling ourselves the truth, which is Jesus Christ loves me and wants me. He pursues me and finds me blameless in His eyes. He is so passionate about being in a personal and intimate relationship with me that He sent his ONE and ONLY son to DIE FOR ME! I know I hear about this all the time, but take time to truly think and absorb that statement. That when we were yet sinners, Christ died for me. That's how much He LOVES ME! And when we feed poisonous lies to ourselves, we are bringing down the significance of Christ's death and what He has done for us, His daughters.
And, well especially at bible school, girls always talk about how we can become more like the Proverbs 31 woman, and what we want in a husband. Jesus is the answer, the more in tune and dependent on God we become, the more we will become like the Proverbs 31 woman. We can do nothing on our own strength, only through the strength of Jesus Christ. We can try changing on our own, but we will fail. And the more in tune we become with God, the better we will know what we want in a future husband. Not that it is bad to talk about these things, but know that Jesus is the only thing, the only One who matters. And we should never think that we are not good enough for man, if we are good enough for God. We need to gain our confidence from God and not man.
Now, I'm not writing here talking, to whoever is reading this, trying to sound like a saint or anything, I need to hear this too. This is a daily struggle for me. I have so much trouble telling myself that I am beautiful, or that I am loved, or the big one: that I am marriageable. I don't feel like it, but I know that God is the only thing that matters, and that if I just focus on God then He will reveal to me when, if I am ever, ready to get married. He will show me what career to take, what to do after school. And I know that if I live the life He has planned for me, that it will be the most satisfying and fulfilling life I will ever live, whether I get married or not. :) God is enough. Not that knowing this makes it easy, but God understands my pains and my fears. He is the Comforter. He knows and understands all, and I continually pray that this message will go from my mind to my heart.
And another thing that really helped hit me, again, during another Wednesday Worship. We were singing a chorus of a song, and all I remember was it said something about wedding bells. If I, or whoever is reading this and is single, never gets married, we will hear our wedding bells on the day that we enter heaven. I might never hear wedding bells on this earth, but the day I enter heaven my wedding bells will ring for me. And it will be the most beautiful, holiest, purest, perfect wedding to the Bridegroom. And it will be everything I have ever dreamed of, plus so much more. And knowing that I will have wedding bells ring for me one day brings such comfort to me; I will get married one day. That is a guarantee.
Well, I am very passionate about this and it is something that God has laid on my heart. I think it is so important for women to get their confidence from God and to just be completely dependent on their Father. Not that it is easy, this is a life long lesson. But I have taken the first steps, and I am excited to see what God is going to do with my life. Whether it means working in the freezing coldness of Edmonton for the rest of my life, or going to live in the rain forests of Brazil, God is enough.
I pray that if you are struggling with these issues, like me, that this has been an encouragement. Please continually pray for me and my struggle with being fully dependent on God. If you are struggling with something similar, I would love to hear!
Love you all, and so does God!
Jessica
Friday, February 11, 2011
Nerja, Spain
After weeks of stressing and planning, I am finally experiencing travel weekend. Here I am, in a Hotel, in Spain. And only for the weekend! How many can say 'Oh, yeah, I'm just going to Spain for the weekend'? I am so blessed beyond measure.
Nerja, Spain is way south right on the coast; around 60 KM outside Malaga. It is small and beautiful and everything is white. I am literally only 200 meters from the ocean and the weather is around 17 degrees during the day with nothing but sun! Sorry to all you Edmontonians experiencing nothing but snow! In fact, today I walked around in flip-flops, a tank top, and leggings. Couldn't ask for anything better.
And when I get back I will be around half way through my second semester in school. Only 7 weeks left of school, and then my Bible School year will be over. It is so sad to think about, but I am also excited to come home and apply all these wonderful things I have been learning and experiencing here. To put my faith to the test and see how God will supply and help me.
I will be back at the end of April. Somewhere around the 25 or 26. Soon enough you will have me back! I am excited to see everyone and start life again. I never thought I would be excited to come home, but God is slowly starting to place that desire in my heart. Now I'm just waiting for the desire to want to go back to school :P But that might take a little longer...!
But for now I am enjoying the weekend in Spain, and I am enjoying each day I spend at Bode, and the people I am getting to know and hang out with. Plenty of coffee and cake being consumed! And David will be joining me next week Saturday. He will be here ten days to enjoy a week and a half of my bible school year. I am so excited for him to come and meet all my friends and see all that I've been learning.
Well, I need to go...dinner time. Know I love you all back home and think of you regularly. Thanks for all the prayers, love, and letters (cough cough); they are all greatly appreciated!
Love you!
Jessica
Nerja, Spain is way south right on the coast; around 60 KM outside Malaga. It is small and beautiful and everything is white. I am literally only 200 meters from the ocean and the weather is around 17 degrees during the day with nothing but sun! Sorry to all you Edmontonians experiencing nothing but snow! In fact, today I walked around in flip-flops, a tank top, and leggings. Couldn't ask for anything better.
And when I get back I will be around half way through my second semester in school. Only 7 weeks left of school, and then my Bible School year will be over. It is so sad to think about, but I am also excited to come home and apply all these wonderful things I have been learning and experiencing here. To put my faith to the test and see how God will supply and help me.
I will be back at the end of April. Somewhere around the 25 or 26. Soon enough you will have me back! I am excited to see everyone and start life again. I never thought I would be excited to come home, but God is slowly starting to place that desire in my heart. Now I'm just waiting for the desire to want to go back to school :P But that might take a little longer...!
But for now I am enjoying the weekend in Spain, and I am enjoying each day I spend at Bode, and the people I am getting to know and hang out with. Plenty of coffee and cake being consumed! And David will be joining me next week Saturday. He will be here ten days to enjoy a week and a half of my bible school year. I am so excited for him to come and meet all my friends and see all that I've been learning.
Well, I need to go...dinner time. Know I love you all back home and think of you regularly. Thanks for all the prayers, love, and letters (cough cough); they are all greatly appreciated!
Love you!
Jessica
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)